30 days

Today marks the end of our first full month without Lucy (and the middle of six weeks of my 2nd pregnancy, but that's for the other blog). The "anniversary" sort of crept up on me, with my mind being preoccupied by other things, but I made sure to take time for Lucy. After breakfast with the girls I went to visit her burial space. I talked to her for a few minutes. I said a prayer, I cried. My grief counselor, Nancy, says that the first "monthiversary" and the six "monthiversary" are the two "monthiversaries" (and how many more times can I use that in a sentence?) that people notice most frequently, so it's unlikely that I will have a new wave of grief at her next "monthiversary". I can't imagine that. Lucy's death was traumatic in the way that I feel like I could have "saved" her, and from now on, the 20th of each month will be the day of the month i found my baby dead.

I feel like she's "here" with us lately, though. God is sending me signs (like our rainbow baby) and I'm glad to be taking them. He works in mysterious ways, and so does Lucy. Little things make the grief easier. I am still not sure how the pregnancy will affect my natural progress of grief, but for now I am feeling hopeful. Cautious, but hopeful.