Today marks the end of our first full month without Lucy (and the middle of six weeks of my 2nd pregnancy, but that's for the other blog). The "anniversary" sort of crept up on me, with my mind being preoccupied by other things, but I made sure to take time for Lucy. After breakfast with the girls I went to visit her burial space. I talked to her for a few minutes. I said a prayer, I cried. My grief counselor, Nancy, says that the first "monthiversary" and the six "monthiversary" are the two "monthiversaries" (and how many more times can I use that in a sentence?) that people notice most frequently, so it's unlikely that I will have a new wave of grief at her next "monthiversary". I can't imagine that. Lucy's death was traumatic in the way that I feel like I could have "saved" her, and from now on, the 20th of each month will be the day of the month i found my baby dead.
I feel like she's "here" with us lately, though. God is sending me signs (like our rainbow baby) and I'm glad to be taking them. He works in mysterious ways, and so does Lucy. Little things make the grief easier. I am still not sure how the pregnancy will affect my natural progress of grief, but for now I am feeling hopeful. Cautious, but hopeful.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"Do What You Have To Do"
I heard this song tonight and it really hit home, reminding me of Lucy. I know it is about a lost lover but I feel like it applies to my angel baby as well.
Youtube:
and Lyrics:
What ravages of spirits conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster, broken by the rule of love
And fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do
And fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do
I had the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
Glowing ember burning hot and burning slow
Deeper than I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do
I know I can't come with you, I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I am still in this place--because it's too early!--where I know I can't be with Lucy, but I can't let go of Lucy, either.
To the outside world I cope remarkably well, take Hailey and Maddie on outings and make outings of my own, I go out, I cook, I clean, I have people over. It's when people come over that I open up, let them see what state I'm in. People will catch me in the middle of the day and not get out until 8 or 9 o'clock. I just want someone to listen to me, and I feel like people listen to me, but they do not hear me. I want to be understood, but grief is such a unique process that I don't think Iever will be.
Youtube:
and Lyrics:
What ravages of spirits conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster, broken by the rule of love
And fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do
And fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do
I had the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
Glowing ember burning hot and burning slow
Deeper than I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do
I know I can't come with you, I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I am still in this place--because it's too early!--where I know I can't be with Lucy, but I can't let go of Lucy, either.
To the outside world I cope remarkably well, take Hailey and Maddie on outings and make outings of my own, I go out, I cook, I clean, I have people over. It's when people come over that I open up, let them see what state I'm in. People will catch me in the middle of the day and not get out until 8 or 9 o'clock. I just want someone to listen to me, and I feel like people listen to me, but they do not hear me. I want to be understood, but grief is such a unique process that I don't think Iever will be.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Lucy's blog
On July 20, 2009, I lost my baby.
When you lose a child, it's a strange, painful process, unique to each family, and perhaps to each individual. There's a difference, I think, between losing your infant and losing an adult who is close to you. I can't explain it, I can't explain the hole left by Lucy's leaving, except to tell you that it's strange. It's surreal. I am going on seven days without my child and it hasn't started to make sense, perhaps it never will.
I have another blog, but I felt like it was better to put stuff about Lucy's death here, rather than there. I have two living children to consume the other blog. This one is just for Lucy.
When you lose a child, it's a strange, painful process, unique to each family, and perhaps to each individual. There's a difference, I think, between losing your infant and losing an adult who is close to you. I can't explain it, I can't explain the hole left by Lucy's leaving, except to tell you that it's strange. It's surreal. I am going on seven days without my child and it hasn't started to make sense, perhaps it never will.
I have another blog, but I felt like it was better to put stuff about Lucy's death here, rather than there. I have two living children to consume the other blog. This one is just for Lucy.
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